I’d like to think that you don’t need someone to think you’re something to actually be something. —-
— You don’t need a boy/girl to think you look nice for you to actually feel or think like you look nice. You don’t need someone to tell you you’re great to be great. You don’t need someone to love you the way you want to be loved for you to think you’re worth being loved that way. You just need to be it and you are.
Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe the desire to be detached from someone’s perception that way detaches you from the person completely. Maybe that fear of intimacy and vulnerability is what strikes you to confusion and eventually, giving up.
Or maybe this is all just a load of bull Im wasting my time doing instead of studying— but it’s what they call catharsis.
After n years of being so sure, of working hard because of the feeling of certainty, I now sign off, raise the white flag and admit to knowing absolutely nothing. To some people, starting over, starting new with maybe someone new makes it all better, easier, more humane. We are after- all social beings. We all get by through one another. But now, one of the things I do know is that there are so many pre-requisites to being with someone. You need to be certain of a lot of things about yourself, about what you want and about what you know, because you will get lost somewhere down the road. And most importantly, you need to be who you want to be, before you can be with someone. Because you need to love yourself before you, your mind and your heart will let someone else love you. Nothing more futile than loving people who wont love themselves.
So here it is. Here’s my apology. Because no matter what fault I throw at you with every reason I gave, the fault is ultimately mine.
Sometimes loneliness just strengthens you— it shows you you can handle things alone.
I therefore conclude that I am writing way too sad of entries here. I’ve gotten too occupied to celebrate things lately, so just a reminder to myself, It’s okay!
I attended my sister’s graduation in the UP School of Economics a few days ago.( I will purposely set aside the long thread of immense jealousy I have that she gets to graduate already while I’m still, well, here. :)) Balang araw, magsasablay din ako. Haha. Tiwala.) Well anyway! National Scientist, Raul Fabella spoke that night and one of the important reminders he mentioned was the value of being children of delayed gratification. We’re all familiar with the famous psychology experiment with the children and the marshmallow. If you aren’t (!), today’s the fateful day you get to hear of it. Hehe. Children were made to sit in an empty room with a table and a chair. They were given one piece of marshmallow, and were told that if they wait fifteen minutes before eating the marshmallow, they’d get to have another one. I dont know how accurate or reliable the results of that experiment is, but I do believe in that concept they introduced as “Delayed Gratification”. Dean Fabella said that those students graduating that day were those children who chose to wait fifteen minutes to get another marshmallow. Every party they chose to forego to study, every time they chose to work instead of sleep and bum around, every time they pushed even when giving up was so tempting. He said, and I quote, “Today is the future you were holding on to at those times.” And that was all I needed to hear, really. It was all the reminding I needed. That’s why it’s very difficult to give up too, and to believe that things are complete and utter shit. When you tell me that the shit today is for a big cake tomorrow, there’s no where else I’d rather be.
I wanted to post this because somewhere, maybe someone needs this reminding too. :) Hold on to that future you have in your heart. Picture it well, and imagine it perfect, because when you hold on to it long enough, it will be exactly as you imagined and maybe even better. :)
Here. Ill say it.
I like you. I think more than I did before. And Ive been starting to regret the chance I didnt take. But I cant take it anymore since it’s not going to work anyway, because Im way too much of a loser for you. But here, Im saying it. I kinda like you a lot.
Maybe when Im less of a loser.
Maybe Ill try my luck.
There are a lot of things you just have to grow out of, even if you don’t want to. There will be lots of instances where you need to give up your past to be able to get your future. But it doesn’t diminish its value, or you love for it. You really just reach a point where you have to just grow up. You can try to keep holding on to it, keep trying to fit it in your future, but you just end up wasting your efforts.
It’s time to grow up.
It’s one thing to be cold to me, and another to be overfriendly and sweet to someone else.
Hintay ka lang. Im doing this for myself, my peace of mind, not for you. Hintay ka lang, gago ka. Mapapagod din ako. Tanginang hintay ka lang.
One day. I will be full of it. One day, I will be maxed out and I wouldve given all I could. And when that day comes, Ill wake up from this spell and be free of this madness.
And I will laugh because I know I got through this. Finally.
I miss the days you were so nice and patient and so sweet. I should’ve responded better, more when I had the chance.
I don’t know if you’ll ever be like that, or if you’re slowly slipping away, it feels like it. I won’t demand it back, nor will I give up. I’ll wait till you feel the way you used to feel, for me. One day, you’ll be that way again, and I’ll make sure not to take it for granted. One day.